Tell a joke, riddle, or just something funny (non-PC)

Ukrainian immigrant, Dimitri, takes a class to learn English here in the US. For a homework assignment, the teacher tells the class to visit three places and learn a new word from each of them, then report back to the class on how they used all three words.

Dimitri goes to an zoo, learns "zebra".

Dimitri goes to an airport, learns "takeoff".

Dimitri goes to a daycare center, learns "baby".

Back in class the next week, the students take turns telling what they learned. When it's Dimitri's turn, he has a big smile on his face. "I learned three new words and told my wife, she so proud she make me happy right there!"

"Dimitri! What were they?" asks the teacher, excitedly.

Takeoff zebra baby!
 
My wife said to me...

“You’re always pushing me around and talking behind my back”

"Of course" I said...

“You’re in a bloody wheelchair you dozy mare"
 
The Visit to the Brothel

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties.

“May I help you sir?” she asked.

“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.

“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.

“No, I must see Valerie,” he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out $10,000 and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row because she was so expensive, and that there were no discounts. The price was still $10,000.
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie questioned the man, “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.

The man replied, “ Philadelphia .”

“Really?” she said. “I have family in Philadelphia .”

“I know.” the man said. “Your aunt died, and I am her attorney. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance.”

The moral of the story is that 3 things in life are certain.
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
 
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess, "Will you marry me?

The Princess said, "NO!"


And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and banged skinny long-legged big-titted broads and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whiskey, beer and Captain Morgan and never heard *****ing and never paid child support or alimony and banged cheerleaders and kept his house and guns and ate spam and potato chips and beans and blew enormous farts and never got cheated on while he was at work and all his friends and family thought he was cool as hell and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up.


The End
 
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