What Song Are You Listening To, Right Now?

Don't you just hate waiting for things? Standing on a windswept platform for a train that never comes, sitting on one of those particularly uncomfortable seats you only ever find in the departure lounge of an airport for a delayed flight, the awkward small-talk you have to make with a moderately attractive lady until the rohypnol takes effect or simply the moment of sweet release from the never ending torment of a cruel and unforgiving world. We hate the waiting.

Well, i have been waiting four long years for today to come. Ticking off the days on my He Man and the Masters of the Universe calender until, finally, under the watchful gaze of a topless Evil-Lyn frolicking in an eerie creek, i can cross off a circled June 11th. Yes, people, today is the start of the football World Cup. Huzzah!

Now, let's not have any of that tedious "it's not football it's soccer" schtick. It's been done to death a million times, been resurrected using some Frankenstein-like electric and spare body parts bidness, given its own 28 season series and is currently being re-run back-to-back on it's own dedicated 24 hour cable channel. So F that S, daddio.

Up today - hosts South Africa are hoping to place a flaming rubber tyre round the necks of technically proficient Mexico. This will be followed by a shaky looking France tackling the traditionally filthy Uruguayans. After that follows ten days comprising three matches a day. Sweet Jesus indeed. Finally, another chance to stereotype foreigners for my own entertainment and a much needed distraction from the 10,001 threads full to bursting with dismal tales of Obama's oily pelicans and that.

oily.jpg

"Oh for Christ's sake just strangle it Martha, kick-off is in 5 minutes"

Five and a bit hours to go. Mmmm...priapism ahoy.

'Long Time Coming' - The Zutons
 
charver said:
Don't you just hate waiting for things? Standing on a windswept platform for a train that never comes, sitting on one of those particularly uncomfortable seats you only ever find in the departure lounge of an airport for a delayed flight, the awkward small-talk you have to make with a moderately attractive lady until the rohypnol takes effect or simply the moment of sweet release from the never ending torment of a cruel and unforgiving world. We hate the waiting.

Well, i have been waiting four long years for today to come. Ticking off the days on my He Man and the Masters of the Universe calender until, finally, under the watchful gaze of a topless Evil-Lyn frolicking in an eerie creek, i can cross off a circled June 11th. Yes, people, today is the start of the football World Cup. Huzzah!

Now, let's not have any of that tedious "it's not football it's soccer" schtick. It's been done to death a million times, been resurrected using some Frankenstein-like electric and spare body parts bidness, given its own 28 season series and is currently being re-run back-to-back on it's own dedicated 24 hour cable channel. So F that S, daddio.

Up today - hosts South Africa are hoping to place a flaming rubber tyre round the necks of technically proficient Mexico. This will be followed by a shaky looking France tackling the traditionally filthy Uruguayans. After that follows ten days comprising three matches a day. Sweet Jesus indeed. Finally, another chance to stereotype foreigners for my own entertainment and a much needed distraction from the 10,001 threads full to bursting with dismal tales of Obama's oily pelicans and that.

oily.jpg

"Oh for Christ's sake just strangle it Martha, kick-off is in 5 minutes"

Five and a bit hours to go. Mmmm...priapism ahoy.

'Long Time Coming' - The Zutons
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I think that the Yanks should start their own soccer world tournament, they could even call it the World Series and invite one or maybe two other countries to legitimise it. Of course, they are going to have a hard time finding somebody worse than themselves, so to ensure that they win every time maybe Monaco, Andorra or even Liechenstein could be persuaded to compete. On a more personal note, I'm glad to see that you will be standing to attention and ready for action when the tournament starts.
 
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tom prendergast said:
I think that the Yanks should start their own soccer world tournament, they could even call it the World Series and invite one or maybe two other countries to legitimise it. Of course, they are going to have a hard time finding somebody worse than themselves, so to ensure that they win every time maybe Monaco, Andorra or even Liechenstein could be persuaded to compete. On a more personal note, I'm glad to see that you will be standing to attention and ready for action when the tournament starts.
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When was the last time Britain was able to pull a tie with the Championship team? Hmmm? Are the Italians falling all over the field in practice grabbing their ankles or knees ready to scream foul at every opportunity like they did last time?

Maybe France will be able to fix those timing problems that had them offsides so fricking often last time too, or maybe not. They do have issues with uncrossable lines.

Will England be embarrassed by the USA this year, in their first match? The USA does have a history of winning battles against the Brits and we hope to continue it this Saturday. Match 5, at 12:00 PM MDT... Looking forward to watching.

Bon Jovi - Lie To Me
 
Damocles said:
When was the last time Britain was able to pull a tie with the Championship team? Hmmm? Are the Italians falling all over the field in practice grabbing their ankles or knees ready to scream foul at every opportunity like they did last time?

Maybe France will be able to fix those timing problems that had them offsides so fricking often last time too, or maybe not. They do have issues with uncrossable lines.

Will England be embarrassed by the USA this year, in their first match? The USA does have a history of winning battles against the Brits and we hope to continue it this Saturday. Match 5, at 12:00 PM MDT... Looking forward to watching.

Bon Jovi - Lie To Me
Click to expand...


Did you see all those riots in Chicago, following the Stanley Cup??




OH-WAIT; there weren't any and none of the fans died in the stands either, but we know we can probably count on some kind of body count during this soccer tournament.
 
Day Two.

I have to say that yesterday's opening games didn't exactly have millions of angina sufferers clutching their breasts in pain, overtaken with the excitement of it all. A rather dismal goalless draw between France and Uruguay and the failure of South Africa to hold on to a lead against Mexico. However, even this cynical cove was rather touched by the genuine warmth and goodwill shown by the South African people busy being interviewed by every passing television camera and radio mic. Unfortunately, this mutual goodwill lasted as long as it took for 80,000 of the buggers to all start blowing those fucking horns. Nevertheless, who could fail to be impressed by an opening ceremony starring a giant dancing robot dung beetle?

Three games today.
First up the economically straightened Greeks will be waking from their slumbers in Port Elizabeth airport arrivals lounge, funding a hearty breakfast thorough the endeavours of a little juggling and street theatre before gathering their belongings together and hitching to the stadium. There they will enter the dog eat dog world of competition 'gainst top predators, South Korea.
Next up a rickety old Nigeria side face Argentina, led by cheating cocaine-snorting dwarf mentalist, Diego Maradonas. Some admire the Argentines pretty football, ignoring the black hearts of evil sported by every man jack of the nasty cynical vermin. Impartiality prevents one from making a prediction.

Last up, it's the big one. The united might of America's 50 States seek to bully plucky little England. I do fear the combination of a Brazilian referee and two sides indulging in a "robust" style of play will lead to a yellow card frenzy. Fears on the pitch lie parallel to fears off it as, more than any other game, one featuring both 'Big' and 'Little' Satan is a Mecca for bearded loons everywhere. Although, i have to say to all Islamic fundamentalists reading this, if England do slip up in this match they will probably have their fingers crossed that you succeed.

450px-3in1oil.jpg

Members of the England team and coaching staff are to present goodwill gifts to their American counterparts.

'Put You In Your Place' - The Sunshine Underground
 
Damocles said:
When was the last time Britain was able to pull a tie with the Championship team? Hmmm? Are the Italians falling all over the field in practice grabbing their ankles or knees ready to scream foul at every opportunity like they did last time?

Maybe France will be able to fix those timing problems that had them offsides so fricking often last time too, or maybe not. They do have issues with uncrossable lines.

Will England be embarrassed by the USA this year, in their first match? The USA does have a history of winning battles against the Brits and we hope to continue it this Saturday. Match 5, at 12:00 PM MDT... Looking forward to watching.

Bon Jovi - Lie To Me
Click to expand...

1 What does pull a tie mean?

2 France shouldn't be in the World Cup after the Thierry Henry handball

3 Maybe you can explain the offside rule?
 
tom prendergast said:
1 What does pull a tie mean?

2 France shouldn't be in the World Cup after the Thierry Henry handball

3 Maybe you can explain the offside rule?
Click to expand...
You don't understand offside? Really?

The offensive players of a team cannot cross past the defenders (other than the goalie of course) before the ball. The French team had a real problem last time timing their run to hit just as the ball was passing the defenders of the opposing team. I never saw a team at that level of play with more offsides calls than that one... It was like they never practiced they just expected to magically be able to time it without such annoying repetitions to ensure they had the timing down.

(Just a few more minutes before the USA v. Britain game begins).

Are you watching Tom? :)

AC/DC - Are You Ready?
 
charver said:
So with South Korea accusing North Korea of sinking its ships, a fresh day of demonstrations in Greece and the Euro about to blow itself up into a thousand billion cents, what is dominating the news today? Yes, that's right it is the news that the London 2012 Olympic mascots have been unveiled. Huzzah!

I'm not sure who dreams these things up. Although this year the 'designers' have decided to break from the traditional animal/cute human based motif, opting for a long thin thing, wide at the base with coloured vein-like things running through it, sporting a single eye at the head. I can't think where the inspiration for that came from.

Behold!

The-2012-Olympic-and-Para-005.jpg

The word mascot is derived from the Latin for 'pointless yet expensive exercise'

They are called "Mandeville and Wenlock". Aside from sounding like a pair of vaguely homosexual James bond villains, i can't see why they didn't just go the whole hog and call them Kodos and Kang. They are meant to "invoke the spirit of the games" which, if you mean they are pointless, rather expensive and will be forgotten about within months of the closing ceremony, is certainly achievable.

I suppose they aren't as bad as some previous mascots, say, for example, that sneaker wearing blue sperm sticking to the running track in Atlanta or the novelty dildos cobbled together by Athens. However, they are not fit to lick the canine genitalia of Herr Waldi, the multi-coloured Dachshund aus Munchen.

"...And We Exhale And Roll Our Eyes In Unison" - Los Campesinos!
Click to expand...

The euro really wasn't a good idea. It doesn't make sense to have a unified currency unless your economies are very tightly bound. The EU is not powerful enough to justify, and there's serious doubt whether or not it ever will be.
 
Damocles said:
You don't understand offside? Really?

The offensive players of a team cannot cross past the defenders (other than the goalie of course) before the ball. The French team had a real problem last time timing their run to hit just as the ball was passing the defenders of the opposing team. I never saw a team at that level of play with more offsides calls than that one... It was like they never practiced they just expected to magically be able to time it without such annoying repetitions to ensure they had the timing down.

(Just a few more minutes before the USA v. Britain game begins).

Are you watching Tom? :)

AC/DC - Are You Ready?
Click to expand...

It is a question that is often asked, especially in the case of women, to see if people really understand the rules of football. The offside trap unfortunately is considered to be a valid method of gaining advantage over the opposition, I would say it's time for the rule to be reconsidered and maybe changed to be more like hockey.

http://www.sidelinesoccer.com/should-fifa-change-or-remove-the-offside-rule
 
I agree with Charver that its retarded that France is in instead of Ireland. My guess is that France kept its victory by doing with FIFA what it does best: it collaborated!! (just kidding, but I couldn't resist)

At least Ireland can be proud of having won the last Quidditch World Cup against Bulgaria...
 
SSgt said:
I agree with Charver that its retarded that France is in instead of Ireland. My guess is that France kept its victory by doing with FIFA what it does best: it collaborated!! (just kidding, but I couldn't resist)

At least Ireland can be proud of having won the last Quidditch World Cup against Bulgaria...
Click to expand...

Thierry Henri was considered a hero in England until the fateful handball incident, he is now a pariah here and even more so in Ireland. He won't be doing any more adverts for Renault!


 
Day 5. Not too sure what happened to days 3 and 4.

Having placed Mr Green's mistake in a box marked "cock-knocking piss flaps", before burying it in an unmarked grave in an isolated location, i am now ready to "move on" as those fancy American psychotherapists are always telling the terminally gullible to do. My mind has now inexplicably focussed itself on the search for this tournament's worst kit. Having not seen everybody play just yet, the clear leader so far is Slovenia's hideous green number with fluorescent yellow trim (not that kind of trim, you dirty, dirty, boy). However, there's still time for a late challenger to emerge.

Up today - Slovenia's older more evil twin brother, Slovakia, gets to beat the living daylights out of New Zealand for 90 minutes.

Portugal, featuring the incredibly oily and strangely hairless Cristiano Ronaldos, face off against the Ivory Coast. Disappointingly the coast of Ivory Coast is not, in fact, made out of ivory at all. It is made out of cardboard. Come on the elephants, i say, unless you do actually work at a zoo of course.

Last game today - the first appearance of likely winners Brazil. Their opponents are a North Korean side pretty much unknown outside of Pyongyang's World Domination Desk of the 'Ministry of Glorious Revolution Through Indomitable Korean Athleticism'. As we, literally, know nothing about them the only responsible course of action is to wildly speculate that they were all manufactured in a laboratory, possess nuclear enhanced hearts and will self destruct should they experience defeat.

banana430x300.jpg

Each North Korean squad member has been promised 15 minutes with the country's last remaining banana should they secure the Great Leader a famous victory over the decadent capitalist whores.

'A Big Day In The North' - Black Grape
 
I can't believe that:

A) Brazil didn't get at least a third goal (too bad they couldn't have been more aggressive first half)

B) They let NK get that late goal, which is just humiliating!!

I can believe that:

A) Brazil has a good shot at the gold

B) NK paid Chinese actors to pretend to be N. Korean fans and sit in their section and cheer, and wave the flag. LOLZ
 
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