Festival related greetings. I shall refrain from uttering the words "Merry Christmas" as i gather, from Fox News, that it has been banned in the USA for offending Muslims and queers.
Still, i know how you Americanians like nothing better than finding someone in authority before quickly whipping out your, rather sizeable, snooks and taking great pleasure in cocking it in their general direction. All that Boston bidness is deliciously blended water under the bridge now. So i shall venture that the majority of you people have hung some shiny shit on a manky old tree, purchased a variety of unwanted gifts for friends and relatives to sigh over and are currently preparing a liberal stockpile of alcoholic beverages to ease your transition into Boxing Day, some say the Feast of Stephen.
Now i realise i may have come across as a little curmudgeonly, being sexually abused by an elf as a ten year-old boy can do that to a chap, but i assure you i am a very Christmassy sort of cove. The rich food, the flowing drink, the opportunity for sexual assault afforded by the presence of mistletoe and, most importantly, the presents. I love it all.
Although one does have to jump through several irksome hurdles to unwrap the ultimate prize of a mini-submarine, Gulfstream jet or heavily sedated woman. Gathered round the tree opening gifts on Christmas morning, i'm sure we've all experienced that tricky moment - receiving identical gifts from two, three or even ten people. Who'd have thought human faeces in a shoe box would prove so popular year after year? Still, you have to thank your parents, insisting "you can never have too many, can you?". And, of course, one does have to do the decent thing and offer up a thousand "thank you"'s to Great Aunt Gertrude, who appears to have bestowed upon one a rather striking pair of knitted dungarees. And pissed herself.
Thankfully, this year Santa passed out in the living room before giving mother a black eye and burning down the shed.
However, caught headlong in this maelstrom of consumerism, i think it is important that we do not lose sight of the true meaning of Christmas. We should not be cowed into ignoring the story of the star leading all the king's horses and all the king's men to a humble stable in Bethnel Green, where Santa was born to a reindeer who had been raped by an angel. Of course we all know that Santa subsequently went on to found the city of Rome and lead the resistance to the tyrannical Sherrif of Nottingham, stealing from the rich to give to the poor, thereby starting the tradition of giving gifts at Christmas.
Merry Christmas bitches and ho's.
'The Man in the Santa Suit' - Fountains of Wayne
